Life update.

Well it's been a few months since I've blogged. There are some new things happening in the Gilliam lives. First off we are expecting our second baby!!! I am almost 11 weeks along and my due date is May 16! We had an ultrasound the other day and saw little baby Gilliam moving his/her arms and legs around like crazy and the heartbeat was 169. We are so excited! Even little Emerie is stoked. She may not fully understand what's going on, but she has grasped that Mommy has a baby in her belly. First thing every morning she lifts my shirt up and kisses my belly and says "awe, baby". She is going to be an amazing big sister :). In other news, we found an awesome house to rent out in the country. We will have a little over an acre to ourselves! Plus the man we are renting from has 40 acres (he lives right next store) and gave Jared permission to hunt it!! It has 3 bedrooms, 1 bath and an extra living space. It is absolutely perfect for our little family, and we are so happy with it. Emerie update: she is now 20 months (4 more months till she's 2!) and as ornery as ever. She talks a whole lot and loves to sing and dance. Her favorite movie is Frozen (which she calls "Let It Go"). She goes around holding her hands in the air singing "let it go, let it go". She's super dramatic, but so cute. She's the best little girl ever, we love her greatly. I am sad that she's going to be 2 very soon!!! I can't even believe it. So anyway, that's what's going on right now!

This girl...

 

I'm not gonna lie....Sometimes I feel depressed...I feel worthless, and I feel like my life is purposeless...The reason I normally feel like this is because of my migraines...Sometimes I wonder why I'm here...Why I even bother waking up in the mornings...The pain is sometimes so bad that I curl up into the fetal position and just bawl....I get so consumed with anger and resentment that I forget about the one thing in my life that is constant and so good.........

 

This girl right here....

 

 

She's my Angel...My happiness...My everything....Some days may be worse than others, but her love for me and her need for me are always there...When my spirit tells me I can't or I'm not, she tells me I can and I am...She reminds me that no matter how bad I feel, it's not my right to give up on life....I CAN make it through this...I AM her "Mommy" and I AM going to get past this hurdle...

I need to live to guide her through her life...My life is no longer my own, it's shared with this goofy, sweet face...When I'm down, or hurting badly, she cuddles me and makes me feel better...She sometimes knows when her "Mommy" isn't feeling well...She loves me and comforts me through it, without even knowing she's doing so...

She gets hurt and upset when I'm in bed all day because of an "attack"....She just says "Mommy, Mom, Mama"...She says it over and over again...She gives me kisses and hugs...It makes me feel so bad that I can't give her all the attention she deserves, so I always try and make up for it on my good days.

I hope that one day I can have more good days than bad days...Until then, I will just cherish every single moment I can with her...She's my world...She's my baby girl, my best friend, the one who makes it all better...When she smiles, it's like a medicine...No one can comfort me like she can, just like no one can comfort her like her mama....We are two peas in a pod and I am so thankful that God blessed me with her presence...

Because of her, I have to always press on, no matter how much I just wanna hide in a hole...She needs me and I need her.

I choose love.

As a wife I've learned that it's so very important to treat my husband the best that I possibly can. He does so much for Emerie and I that it's only right to give back to him. Whether it's buying him something he's been wanting, giving him and back or foot massage (or both), giving him some love, or just a big appreciation kiss. When you are married to someone it's all about give and take. You have to always be willing to sacrifice your own wants and needs in order to find some common ground. He does something nice for you, do something nice for him. And it usually goes both ways. The reason this is on my mind today is because yesterday Jared helped me out TREMENDOUSLY and I don't even think he realized how much he did...We live in a small apartment with NO washer or dryer hookups, therefore we have to either do laundry at either of our parents or the Laundromat. Well the past few weeks we have been OOBER busy so laundry piled up...We had a TON of loads to do so we just decided to do them at the Laundromat this time. Anyway as you know laundry is an all day affair usually....Especially when you have like 10 or 11 loads to do.........So after church yesterday we dropped Emerie off with my parents and went straight home and got busy sorting through it all...It took about an hour and a half to sort and spray n wash our clothes...Then we had to go to the store to buy some softener and bleach. Then we had to find the best place to do clothes (one that's not so crowded and is clean). We finally found one and got busy....We loaded everything up and then ran to Mcd's to get some burgers to eat because we knew we were going to be there awhile. When we got back we just sat together and ate our burgers....I know this sounds crazy but it was kind of like a date...We were alone together for like 5 hours. It was actually fun!...There was no stress, arguments or anything like it....We laughed together and enjoyed our time....I never thought that laundry would be something fun....I mean I normally LOATH doing laundry, like a lot...But this was just so good...It was super duper nice out....For most of the time we had to whole mat to ourselves....It was a good day....After we were done doing laundry we picked Emerie up and rented a couple movies and went home....When we got home we put away all the laundry and decided we both were going to organize our dressers and stuff, so we did that...And cleaned our room spotless...Once we were done with it all we took a bath, shared some wine and then just laid in bed and talked for an hour or so....I feel so so so so so blessed to have someone like him in my life....I didn't have to nag at him or beg or bribe him to help me, he just did...And it was perfect....I appreciate him so much! I realized that I need to make a bigger effort in showing him that....Don't get me wrong, I do things for him, but not as much as I should....I think the foot and back massages will be longer now, as will the kisses....I love him so much and I always want him to know it. Being married can be a blessing or a curse....Either way it's a choice....You can choose to love and treat your spouse good or you can choose the opposite and compromise your relationship in the process. I choose love.

Getting Ready For The Zombie Apocalypse...

This is a list of things I need to do/learn before the Zombie Apocalypse inevitably occurs...
;)

1. Find the strength within me to kill animals for food to be able to feed my little one
2. Learn how to use a bow (preferably like Daryl from the Walking Dead of course)
3. Go a month without showering (I'm sure I'll have to go longer than that during the real thing, but I gotta start somewhere)
4. Learn how to start a fire with no assistance
5. Grow a green thumb...Gotta be able to plant stuff
6. Learn to sew...And store up a ton of materials to be able to make clothes, blankets and such just in case
7. Find a thug and have him or her teach me to hot wire a car
8. Pack a survival kit...First aid, lighters, gas, matches, toilet paper, cloth diapers, blankets, knives, meds, disinfectant, duct tape, walkie talkies,  tooth paste and tooth brushes (water or no water I be brushing my teeth), brush, scissors, flashlights, batteries, food that doesn't require cooking, bottled water (lots), gum (to satisfy hunger when we have  no food), ponchos, tarp, ropes, wire cutters, hair ties, rubber bands, lots of ammo
9. Make a plan with my fam
10. Seek out a safe place far away and make it zombie proof
11. Stock my safe place with everything we'll need
12. Go to the shooting range and master head shots...Because as we know you have to shoot em in the brain)
13. Teach Emerie how to be silent when she needs to (you know when we see them but they can't see us)
14. Learn to trust no one
15. Become a stronger individual
16. Practice taking a punch
17. Learn how to make traps
18. Train for long distance running, while carrying Emerie
19. Find a Samurai Sword and master the art
20. Get dreads (less maintenance and if you have dreads, you'll survive till the end)
21. Learn to read a map
22. Buy a compass

Okay that's just 22 things, I'm sure I'll think of more as time goes on...Hopefully I have awhile to prepare....Now it's your turn.....Are you ready for the Zombie Apocalypse?

Smile.

Flashing someone a smile may seem like such a simplistic gesture but it could be so much more than that. A smile can completely change the course of one's day. I know there are days when I'm surrounded by negativity and go into Walmart and the cashier gives me a sincere smile...It makes me feel so much better, and yet they have no clue! It seems like smiling is just something we do subconsciously, which in some cases that may be...But I think it's much more than that....I think smiles are God's way of letting us know that everything is going to be okay...That there will be better days than this...It's a way of showing people we care about them, or love them...And some days when I'm in a crappy "get out of my way or I might punch you" mood if I just smile, it even makes me feel better...I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I have at times looked in the mirror and just smiled at myself....So cheesy right?...But something inside me comes to realize that my facial expressions say a lot....If I just walk around grimacing constantly or just blank staring, it can come off as rude....So I try and smile a lot to make others, as well as myself, happy....Some days it works, and others, not so much...But it's okay!...It's still better than having a hateful look stamped on myself...Anyway, that was just on my mind today...Lets try and smile more, make someone's day :)

 

 

Stupid Sin...

Why must I always always ALWAYS give in to stupid sin?...Why? Because I'm weak, that's why....I'm weak and pathetic...I'm so lost...I'm lost because I have a tendency to push God far far away. I close my heart and ears off. I don't want to hear the "I told you so's" or "Do this or that's"...I want to be free to do what I want when I want and however I want....Butttt, that's not how it works is it? NO! It's not...I don't know how many times God has to smack me upside the head with a "wake the heck up" stick before I'll actually get in tuned to what he is telling me....Sometimes I make up my own rules (as I'm sure some of you do). I allow myself to become involved in activities or conversations that are completely worldly. I gossip, get super angry, WORRY, stress out, give up, give in, become scared, ignore my obligations as a child of God....All these things just carry me further and further away from him....I hate it!...I know though, that only though Christ can I be restored....So once AGAIN I am having to reevaluate my life, my choices and the people I surround myself with. I am better than what I have been doing and the way I've been acting...I just have to let go and let God do his thing...As hard as it is, I have to! Being a Christian isn't a walk in the park, and it was never intended to be either....It's tough and a whole lot of work...We have duties to fulfill as disciples...I haven't been doing my job, but I'm going to start! I'm bound and determined to fight on through my struggles and trials and let God do his work in my life and repay him as well....Ready, set, here I GO!

This girl is my whole world....

This girl holds a huge, special place in my heart....You don't fully understand love until you bring life to this world....Emerie Rose is the best thing about each and every one of my days...She makes me smile and laugh like no one else...I love being needed and loved so greatly by this tiny human being. I know there'll come a day when she won't need me as much (I dread that day so greatly), so I am soaking these times in as best I can.

Nothing can make your heart melt like the simple reminders that your baby girl loves and needs you so much. This morning she woke up crying at 7 AM so of course I made my way to her bed....When I got in there she held her arms up motioning for me to pick her up, so I did....When I picked her up she laid her head on my shoulder, patted my back a few times and said "Mama"....It seriously was sweeter than cotton candy...And then all day she wanted me...She said "Mom", "Mama", "Mommy" more than she has in awhile. I don't know if it's because I've been gone more the last few days or what, but I enjoyed her so much today....

I love being a stay at home Mommy so much...It's so rewarding...I am glad that I haven't missed any of her milestones...I've been there for it all...Her first time rolling over, crawling, laughing, talking, pulling up, walking, dancing, climbing, teething, eating solids...Everything!..And I'm so thankful for it...I miss her when I am away from her....She's my little shadow, and it's fine by me!

 

 

 

 

Love my little love bug...So so so much.

Rant...

This is for the ladies eyes...

Okay so I'm gonna vent on behalf of all of us extra curvy girls with big boobs....I am sick and tired of shopping.... Wanna know why???? Because shopping when you are even a little over weight is NOT fun! A lot of times when you have to buy xl or bigger clothes they make them SO SO ugly!!! Its winter, yeah I'm fat, but I don't wanna look like an old lady going on a Hawaiian cruise! Yeah I wear a 44 D but I still wanna look sexy in my bras for my husband.... I'm sure he doesn't get turned on by me wearing a granny bra that looks like a tank top!! I mean common!!! And don't get me started on xl underwear!!! My point is, a lot of times the reason why bigger girls are so self conscious isn't just because of their bodies but because they can't find stylish clothes that they can feel confident and pretty in.... And yes there is always the "lose weight then" argument, but some girls are just made bigger and some are just fine with their body types!!! Aghhhh! Just so irritating.... End rant