Something that's sort of been on my mind for awhile now....I read a blog a couple weeks ago, it was about those going through nursing school, and how nursing students tend to find their identity in solely being just that, a nursing student. There was a lot more to it then that, but it just got me to thinking.....
When you strip it all away, all of your titles, your job, your school, your friends, your achievements, who are YOU? When I take away being a mom or a wife, or a photographer, who am I? Who is Jessica? What makes me, ME? Like if I were to be stranded on a desert island alone, do I know myself enough to be comfortable with that? I find so often that I get in this mindset of looking at myself as solely a wife and a mother. I forget that apart from being those things, I do indeed have my own identity as an individual. We all do. Now I don't know about you, but I believe in God, and I also believe that my God does NOT make any mistakes. He knit us together to be just who he wanted us to be. We are all different, and that's what's so great. Not any two of us share the same identity. There is only one of each of us in this whole entire world. No matter how much we may have in common with someone, there are always differences. You can't be them, and they can't be you. We weren't designed to be like anyone else. I wish I would of had this realization a lot sooner. I have always been the kind of person who is overly emotional. I always let things get the best of me. I lose myself in trying to please other people. I hate disappointing others, so I will push my own self aside in order to make someone else happy. Sometimes that can be a good thing, but a lot of times I've found that I lose my own happiness at the expense of it. I don't think we should ever give up our own true identity for the sake of others, no matter who it may be. I don't think we should settle either. I think that we all need to take initiative and feel free to make the best decisions to honor our identities, our true selves. I am learning that through Christ, and Christ ONLY will I find MY identity, I mean he's the one who created me after all. My life and identity not only should reflect Christ, but I should be concerned with pleasing him. Just because something may satisfy a person, doesn't mean it'll satisfy God. Don't spend your life catering to the needs of others. Life is far too short to be unhappy, and to be spent being anything but yourself. My true self is someone who is passionate. I have a lot of passion in my blood. Whether it's reading a book, singing a song, loving someone, being upset with someone. I feel so deeply, and that's just who I am. I just need to learn to direct my feelings better. The anxiety and depression that I tend to experience is not my identity, I don't find myself to be an anxious, depressed person, so I'm letting go of that. Somehow, I have to find a way to live without this constant shadow hovering over me and draining my identity. I have to find a way to be genuinely happy, and when I smile, I always want to mean it. I want to make my mark on this world. How can I do that without being me? I desire for my kids and husband to look to me to be a safe haven in the midst of the chaos this life can bring. Being scared all of the time prevents that. And being scared is not what I want to be anymore. I truly believe that once I start really chasing after my identity, claiming it, and holding onto it, I will live a more fulfilling and important life. I have been given a huge responsibility. I am taking part in raising two people. Two people who will one day go out into the world on their own. Two people who will need help finding their identities. I want to be a beacon for them, someone who they believe in, not only because I'm their Mom, but because they know just WHO their Mom really is. If I were to continue on this road of solely focusing on my worries, I would be depriving my children so much of all of the things I am able to provide otherwise. In finding myself, I'll find God's plan for my life. Then, it'll all make sense.
I know this was kind of a lot of word vomit, but I am just feeling a lot of feelings, and blogging is a really good outlet for me. I hope you can take even just a little bit from this. Just sharing my heart <3
